When one accomplishes a goal or something positive happens to them, it’s great to bask in the positive vibes. A new relationship, a job promotion, or any event that brings joy should be celebrated. But, there can be this underlying bit of cynicism because we cannot stop asking ourselves “what if?” “What if he/she cheats on me?, what if I lose my job when I just started, what if I am a bad parent?” There are reasons why we do this to ourselves and how to combat that nagging feeling of “what if”:
- You lack confidence: Maybe relationships in the past has got you doubting yourself or your partner, or you came from a rough childhood and don’t think you have the skills to be a great parent. When you lack confidence in yourself, you doubt yourself even when it’s something positive. For example, You get a new job and it’s great, but it also means more responsibility, suddenly, you doubt your ability to take on this job and freak out despite your supervisor thinking you were perfect for the job. What do you do?
- Make a list of all the positives- Write down things about yourself that remind you of why you deserve it. ” I got the job because I work hard and has shown I can take on any task” or “This relationship is because I deserve someone who understands me and is willing to work things out.” how about “I’ll be a great parent because I love my child and what I don’t know I can learn from people who are good parents.”
- It might be genetic: Honestly, I have anxiety/panic disorder and it comes from my mother’s side of the family (grandfather). I am prone to overthinking, over-analyzing and perfectionism as well as throwing myself into a depressive funk once in a while. Many people who suffer from anxiety and other disorders can’t seem to shake the fact that something could go wrong, simply because we cannot control the outcome 90% of the time. For me, it was when I finally got my first paycheck working my current job, I was proud and happy…until I made a budget and saw that most of my money will be going to student loans, savings (I cannot touch yet) and more savings for taxes since I am an independent contractor. So how did I managed to not have a full meltdown?
- I took a spiritual approach to my mental dilemma: While this may not apply to everyone, I look at it like this. Yes, I cannot control what happens to me only Creator knows my fate and what the next day brings for me. Therefore, I can only ask Creator to guide me on my journey, protect me from negative energy, and trust that whatever happens is a part of my growth. If you don’t have a particular belief this can still apply with this quote from Gandhi: “You cannot worry about the past it has already happened, nor can you worry about the future because it hasn’t happened yet. The only thing you have is the present.”
- Because you let other people get in your head: Sometimes it’s not your inner voice that’s causing all the ruckus. You may have negative people in your ear, when you are constantly bombarded with negative external feedback, it can influence how you see yourself. This negativity can come from ex-lovers, family members, etc. This might be the hardest to avoid but it can be done.
- Learn to cut some people off: In the case of family, this can be hard. But you are not obligated to let anyone in your life that isn’t helping with your journey. Of course, you will have people who think they are giving you “tough love” in which you can calmly explain to them that it isn’t helping and that if that’s the only way they know how to talk to you…then don’t. I had to do this some people in my family, I believe if any person, no matter what your relationship is, you cannot allow them to speak to you in a disrespectful manner and call it “tough love”. Let them know that this kind of “love” is not needed or wanted.
The best advice I can give and need to take myself is…just take it one day at a time.
