Growing up, I always thought perfectionism was some kind of superpower I obtained. I felt like being an only child made feel like I had to be above average so my parents could be proud. They were more easy going about my failures than I was; probably concerned that their daughter is more upset about not getting her first choice college, rather than getting a date for the prom. In my youth I saw my perfectionism as a source of pride, “I do everything right,” I told myself. That came back to bite…hard.
As my birthday approaches in 7 seven hours, I had a mini breakdown. The kind of breakdown you absolutely need if you’re going to ever grow and get to the next level of your journey. I sat in front of the mirror and seeing the look of despair staring back at me, I was able to cut myself some slack for the first time since I moved here. Let me explain.
Most of my life, I have been my harshest critic, any mistake I made I felt an internal need to punish myself for it. Even if it was something that I couldn’t control. For example, if I hurt someone or got in trouble in school, I felt this need to punish myself. By either refusing myself some kind of joy or berating myself in my mind. I have been doing this for 20 something years now. Just like the shift I felt when turning 25 the same shift and now that I’m turning 28, feel that shift again.
I was able to look into the mirror and actually forgive myself for being so demanding, I didn’t have to seek approval anymore. I let myself be okay with where I was on my journey, because the painful moments are part of the journey too. I reminded myself that I will never be perfect and that’s normal. Now that I am getting older, I’m learning to acknowledge my feelings and then forgiving myself.