Depression is a very dark mental state. You question your worth and feel detached from everything and everyone. Even when surrounded by loved ones, the inner pain, shame and self-hatred makes one feel alone and isolated.
There are many things that can trigger depression. Job loss, illness, losing a loved one etc. Now that people are being more open about mental illness, there are many new and innovative ways to help those who are suffering. Everything from holistic healing to ECT ( electroconvulsive therapy) , however, the most important aspect is the support group. Friends and family who are by your side and support you on your road to recovery.
Often these people have good intentions, yet don’t know how to approach someone with depression. This is because depression is an altered state of mind, it’s not just having a bad day or just “feeling down”, your whole perspective of reality has changed. So what is a loved one to do when trying to help you rise above the darkness that is depression?
Here are some ways to help be a better support system to someone suffering from depression (and what not to say):
- “You should just get up and do something.”- This is very vague and counterproductive. Once again the person with depression is in an altered state of being, if they could do something other than be depressed it would’ve been done already. People with depression often struggle just getting out of bed, they lost interest in living life because they feel that they don’t deserve to be happy. While being active and doing productive things are important for establishing a sense of self-confidence, telling someone with depression to just “do something” is just reiterates the feelings of guilt and shame.
- What to do instead?- Do something productive WITH them, go for a walk and talk about funny things to lift up spirits, work on a home project together, make them feel like they are actually a part of something so they don’t have time to focus on their depression.
- “Stop feeling sorry for yourself”- Once again this just reenforces the feelings that they are worthless and that their feelings mean nothing. Self-loathing is merely a symptom of the bigger issue. They already feel highly critical of themselves, this condescending and very rude approach makes the person feel like hiding from the world further detaching themselves from people.
- What to do instead?- Give them space, some people who are dealing with depression can’t take the constant “advice” that people feel need to give. Giving them space means let them come to you if they need your help. Instead say: “I don’t know how to help you, so I will back off a bit but whenever you’re ready to talk I’ll be there for you.”
- “You’re bumming me out.”- We get it, depression effect more than just the depressed person. It can be frustrating dealing with all the negativity. It’s important to let them know how it’s effecting you, but in the depressed state of mind it’s taken as, “You are a burden and I would be happier without you.” Nobody wants to feel like they are just getting in the way of other people’s happiness. Also the pressure to “get over it” just makes them feel even worse.
- What to do instead?- Take care of yourself, you’re not responsible for fixing their depressed state, and they are not responsible for your happiness. They have to find their way through the darkness and it’s a long and painful process. In the meantime, continue to focus on your goals and dreams, remind them that you will not abandon them. Say this instead: “It hurts me to see you this way because I love you very much and want you to feel better. I will continue to take care of myself but will give you my support when you need it.”
The thing these suggestions have in common is that you, the support group, continue living your life but always reminding the depressed person that you love them and will be there for them. You’re not a therapist, depression has a lot of layers to get through. Being supportive of someone with depression isn’t about kissing their butt and catering to their sadness, it’s about staying strong for your own sake, not trying to fix them and showing compassion.
Be a light for those who are lost in the darkness.