I haven’t been myself lately. Until Monday night while lying in bed I had some ah ha moments:
-Your ego is important.
-Sometimes God’s answers to our prayers can be surprising.
While I’ll break these down in a moment, I have to say, it feels good coming to these realizations. My mood has changed, my energy is slowly returning and I feel though success is within my reach. So let’s get into it.
Your Ego is Important.
When I was younger in college I was all ego. She had a name Lee Lee and she’s even tattooed on my hip. I liked Lee Lee because she made me social, charming and fun. But she was also reckless, self-destructive and selfish. That lead to an almost debilitating bout of depression and a suicide attempt.
Fast forward to 2014 when I frequented the Lakota prayer circles once a month. I was so happy finding God that I buried my ego deep down inside. Lee Lee was evil (that’s what I told myself) and rejected the concept of putting myself first. I thought if I focused on helping others and avoided “party people,” I would be okay. Got that one wrong too.
When I moved to Atlanta, I had the idea that I would make it in television or news writing. I still had that optimism and idealism that the typical millennial has. Over time, if I let myself have any fun or even attempted to enjoy myself, I would feel guilty afterward. Not because I was doing anything wrong, but because I made a promise to help other and not indulge in anything that would keep me from doing that. This strategy also lead to another bout of depression but thankfully, no suicidal thoughts.
So what was the problem? I have to use both my ego and my soul at the same time. My soul is the part of me that wants to look out for others and do good in the world. My ego is the part of me that wants to take care of myself and my needs. You can’t let either one take control or you will spiral out. I have to remember that I can’t help everyone in the world. In order to be of service of those who may need me, I have to make sure I give a little bit of that compassion and love to myself.
God’s Answers are Sometimes Surprising.
So I prayed and prayed for some answers from the Great Divine. I thought I did something wrong or that something was wrong with me. Then I realized God already gave me my answer: let go of the fear. The thought of failure was so deep, that I didn’t want to try anymore. There was a point where I wanted to move back home and start from scratch.
But I couldn’t do that, something told me that I had to trust my instinct. Maybe it’s because I’m a stubborn perfectionist but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had to keep going. The anxiety turned to panic attacks, which then turned into depression. I was tired of letting fear direct my actions, in the back of my mind I felt God was reassuring me that I was almost out of the fog. I just had to let that fear go and everything would bloom.
Like is Like a Bicycle.
I’m starting to get comfortable with failing; it’s part of the learning process. Like riding a bike, I will fall over and over again. There is a sense of peace that comes with that because failure isn’t the end of the world, it’s just about finding the balance.
